Don't Let The Vending Machines Win
How many times have you had your eye on some prize inside of sweet lady vending machine only to be smited by her wicked ways? You know, you pay for the candy/chips/ham sandwich but it gets caught inside the machine before it can fall into your outstretched hands, leaving you to debate purchasing a second of said item or leaving it for a lucky other while you slowly waste away to nothingness?
If you're anything like me (and for the sake of this post let's say you are), you run into exactly this situation at least three to four times each day. Today I share a secret that will forever change your life, how to get said stuck item out without resorting to measures that could be construed as a terrorist attack on the vending machine.
The simplest route one may think would be to simply go through the glass in the front of the machine to the snacks inside. What this approach fails to take into account though is the space age transparent steel from which the front glass is made. Trying to break through the front glass on a vending machine is about as difficult as understanding a John Carmack whitepaper:
"There are other more subtle issues, like the loss of potential result values from repeated squarings of input values, and clamping issues when you sum up multiple incident lights before modulating down by a material."
I must warn you, before I share my secret, that you must use this with the utmost carefullyness and only when absolutely necessary (like if an Almond Joy is stuck, because those things are delicious, but not if a "Best of Kathy Griffin" CD was stuck). There is a strong potential, when performing my method, that you will be crushed by a subsequently toppling vending machine. Nearly two people each year are killed in such a manner. You have been warned, try this at your own risk!
John Carmack on his newly installed bedroom lighting
First determine if the vending machine is bolted to the wall. Some these days are, to prevent toppling injuries. If this is the case, remove the wall. Now that you have a wall free vending machine, stand directly in front of the machine and place your hands on the corners as close to the top as you can reach. Give a gently push. The vending machine likely won't budge. Now push with the fire of a thousand suns until the front legs of the vending machine are an inch or two off the ground. Hold the machine for two seconds to create a dramatic effect and then let it crash down to the ground.
In all likelihood, whatever was stuck is now loose and well within reach. If not, repeat the process. Should you find yourself crushed to death, please disavow all knowledge of this article.
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